Family Boundaries and Rules

This week I've been thinking a lot about family boundaries and family rules and I wanted to share what I've learned about what they are and how they can influence someone's life.

Boundaries

Family types are based on the boundaries that surround a family. These boundaries include: closed, open, and clear. Each of these boundaries help shape and mold the family and can have a negative or positive influence on a child. Each of these boundaries could be described by or related to a certain kind of fence:

• A closed boundary is a cinder block wall with barbed wire surrounding the home. It is unwelcoming and unapproachable. The family is most likely enmeshed- or overly involved with one another, privacy is valued too much, external influences aren’t allowed, and the members of the family aren’t allowed to have their own identities. It’s easy to see how this might affect the children in the home; having friends might be looked down upon, they won't have their own opinions about things, they’ll miss out on learning about the world, and they aren't really given any freedom.
• An open boundary is simply not having a fence at all. The yard is available for anyone to walk across and the home always has an open door for visitors to come inside whenever they want. People, both inside and outside of the family, have too much freedom because there aren’t any rules in the home. The family members are often disengaged and run into social problems. Not only will the children in this type of family have emotional and social issues, but there will be a lack of security in the place they should feel safest.
• A clear boundary is a white picket fence, with a gate that can be locked and unlocked, with a path that leads to the front door of the home. This boundary is welcoming, while still allowing the family the privacy they need. The family knows what needs to be shared with others and what doesn’t and there is a correct balance of structure and flexibility in the family. The home is filled with love and respect and having interactions with other people is permitted and encouraged. The children are able to grow up in a positive environment where they can have a safe place to return to at the end of the day, and where they can feel loved and protected (but not sheltered) by their parents.

Family Rules 

Typically every family has their own set of rules (unless it's an open family, in which they don't have any rules). Family rules can have a significant impact on a child and can influence the rules they set when they have their own families. Some rules can be clearly stated or they can be unspoken, but every rule is learned through feedback. Here are a few of the rules my family had when I was growing up:

• Whoever is driving gets to pick the music, unless Dad was in the car.
• Whoever was oldest gets the front seat in the car.
• Everyone should help clean up dinner. 
• Sunday is a family day.
• Everyone should participate in cleaning the house every Saturday. 

This list could go on forever. As much as I hated some of the rules my family had, I'm grateful for them because they allowed me to learn how to be obedient and respectful and I was given the perfect amount of structure and flexibility. As I grew older, I also learned how to communicate with my parents about some of the rules I didn't agree with- for example, curfew- and I learned how to compromise or simply take "no" for an answer. After moving away from home, I've noticed that some of the things I do are still tied to the rules I had to follow while growing up. It will be interesting to see which rules I'll use or change after I have a family of my own.