Untying the Knot

If you hadn't guessed from the title of this blog, this week is about divorce. I'm going to touch on some of the reasons why couples get divorced, some of the guidelines that remarried couples (what I mean by this is when one or both spouses previously got divorced) can follow to have a strong start to the marriage, and I'm going to briefly mention some interesting statistics.

So, what are some reasons that couples might get a divorce?

1. Addictions
• Could be addicted to pornography or drugs- especially marijuana. Did you know that after partaking marijuana you might be "buzzed" for 2-6 hours, but you'll actually be impaired for 24 hours? This can cause lots of harm to a relationship if you're addicted to it and therefore aren't thinking straight for days or weeks at a time. 
2. Affairs
• Infidelity can cause serious damage to the relationship; there becomes a lack of trust that most people don't want to fix. 
3. Lack of Communication
• I've previously talked about how important communication is. If a couple isn't communicating, they aren't really one unit like they should be. 
4. Financial Problems
• Money can cause extreme stress, how a couple allocates their resources can seriously affect the marriage. 
5. Build up of Resentment 
• An example of this could be when a husband does something that offends his wife. The wife might be upset and expect him to apologize to her, but she never addresses the situation with him and he never apologizes. This could start some resentment. From that point on other things the husband does could bother her and the resentment will continue to build until she no longer wants to be married to him. 
6. Change of Mind about the Other Person 
• This could be seen as or related to "Stonewalling". In an article titled "Stonewalling: Is It Ruining Your Relationship?" it says "Stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or refuses to interact with another person". 
• Another common phrase that's used is "I fell out of love with them" or "I don't love them anymore". They changed their minds about their love for the other person. 

The 70% Stats

• 70% of divorcees say they regretted making the divorce and they should've/could've saved the marriage
• 70% of men get remarried in 2 years (after the divorce)
• 70% of couples in failing marriages report high satisfaction if they hang in for 5 years- time really does heal most things 

Guidelines 

These are some guidelines that remarried couples might follow to have a healthy successful marriage. 

1. Understand and accept that it will take AT LEAST 2 years until normalcy after marriage 
• It's easy to become discouraged when things don't work out immediately as you thought they would, but keep in mind that things become familiar after a cycle repeats. Give it time, let the cycle play out a few times so you can find your new normal. 
2. The birth parent should do the heavy discipline
• If the step parent tries to do the heavy discipline, it could cause multiple problems. The children might rebel or react negatively because they don't think this "new" person in their family should be in charge of them. Despite discussing discipline tactics, the birth parent might see how the step parent is disciplining and disagree with the methods being used.
3. The step-parent should be the equivalent of a fantastic and exception aunt or uncle
• This goes along with the previous guideline. Everyone has their favorite aunt or uncle, the one they can always go to when they need a friend or someone to talk to. A step parent can fill that role!
4. Counsel daily behind closed doors 
• When a couple counsels daily in private, they're able to discuss the problems that they and their family might be facing and find solutions to those problems. It gives them the time and space to work together, communicate, and problem solve.