Untying the Knot

If you hadn't guessed from the title of this blog, this week is about divorce. I'm going to touch on some of the reasons why couples get divorced, some of the guidelines that remarried couples (what I mean by this is when one or both spouses previously got divorced) can follow to have a strong start to the marriage, and I'm going to briefly mention some interesting statistics.

So, what are some reasons that couples might get a divorce?

1. Addictions
• Could be addicted to pornography or drugs- especially marijuana. Did you know that after partaking marijuana you might be "buzzed" for 2-6 hours, but you'll actually be impaired for 24 hours? This can cause lots of harm to a relationship if you're addicted to it and therefore aren't thinking straight for days or weeks at a time. 
2. Affairs
• Infidelity can cause serious damage to the relationship; there becomes a lack of trust that most people don't want to fix. 
3. Lack of Communication
• I've previously talked about how important communication is. If a couple isn't communicating, they aren't really one unit like they should be. 
4. Financial Problems
• Money can cause extreme stress, how a couple allocates their resources can seriously affect the marriage. 
5. Build up of Resentment 
• An example of this could be when a husband does something that offends his wife. The wife might be upset and expect him to apologize to her, but she never addresses the situation with him and he never apologizes. This could start some resentment. From that point on other things the husband does could bother her and the resentment will continue to build until she no longer wants to be married to him. 
6. Change of Mind about the Other Person 
• This could be seen as or related to "Stonewalling". In an article titled "Stonewalling: Is It Ruining Your Relationship?" it says "Stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or refuses to interact with another person". 
• Another common phrase that's used is "I fell out of love with them" or "I don't love them anymore". They changed their minds about their love for the other person. 

The 70% Stats

• 70% of divorcees say they regretted making the divorce and they should've/could've saved the marriage
• 70% of men get remarried in 2 years (after the divorce)
• 70% of couples in failing marriages report high satisfaction if they hang in for 5 years- time really does heal most things 

Guidelines 

These are some guidelines that remarried couples might follow to have a healthy successful marriage. 

1. Understand and accept that it will take AT LEAST 2 years until normalcy after marriage 
• It's easy to become discouraged when things don't work out immediately as you thought they would, but keep in mind that things become familiar after a cycle repeats. Give it time, let the cycle play out a few times so you can find your new normal. 
2. The birth parent should do the heavy discipline
• If the step parent tries to do the heavy discipline, it could cause multiple problems. The children might rebel or react negatively because they don't think this "new" person in their family should be in charge of them. Despite discussing discipline tactics, the birth parent might see how the step parent is disciplining and disagree with the methods being used.
3. The step-parent should be the equivalent of a fantastic and exception aunt or uncle
• This goes along with the previous guideline. Everyone has their favorite aunt or uncle, the one they can always go to when they need a friend or someone to talk to. A step parent can fill that role!
4. Counsel daily behind closed doors 
• When a couple counsels daily in private, they're able to discuss the problems that they and their family might be facing and find solutions to those problems. It gives them the time and space to work together, communicate, and problem solve. 

Needs, Mistaken Approaches, and Parental Response

This week I wanted to talk about parenting, specifically the needs that children have, their mistaken approach to receive that need, and the parents response. The way that these needs are handled have a serious affect on a child's life and how they respond to future situations. It's interesting to recognize how these needs have been met in my life, whether it be through my own mistaken approaches or from how my parents responded. 

The first need is contact and belonging. The importance of physical touch is something that is often overlooked, but never ever underestimate the power of it. Along with that, belonging to your family and feeling like you have a place and are a recognized valued member is also extremely important. When children aren't being given these needs they use the mistaken approach of undue attention seeking. Children will start to act wildly and do all sorts of crazy things just to get attention from the ones they love. They'll do this until their need is met; if there's plenty of water, people don't have to do crazy things to get that water. The parental response should be offering contact freely and teaching their children to contribute. Offering contact freely doesn't mean constantly hugging and touching your child, it could be a touch on the shoulder when you walk by them while they're at the dinner table, or putting your arm around them when you're sitting next to each other on the couch, it could even be jokingly bumping them with your elbow. The list could go on forever, but it goes to show that contact is good and it will satisfy a need for both the child and the parent. Teaching children to contribute is a lot easier than you think it might be, but it requires a significant amount of patience. In order to help kids feel like they belong, assign them a chore to do, even if the chore is pointless. It could be something as small and insignificant as putting a trash bag in the garbage can, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's helping the child contribute in someway. This truly will give them a sense of belonging in the family. 

The second need is protection. Every child should be protected and they should have their safe space. When this need isn't being met, the mistaken approach is revenge. The way that I see revenge is that it is a defense mechanism against being hurt or embarrassed. I think that it's one of the most natural ways to protect ourselves but it is also one of the most harmful ways to protect ourselves. Revenge is an easy cycle to get caught in. Once you inflict revenge upon someone, they'll get revenge on you, then you'll get revenge on them again, so on and so forth. The parental approach for the need of protection is teaching assertiveness and forgiveness. Assertiveness allows the child to be confident and know how to stand up for themselves while forgiveness helps them move on from things and not hold a grudge against someone else's actions. Assertiveness is easier to teach a child than forgiveness. A kid can only learn forgiveness when it's shown to them by others, which is why it's so important for parents to forgive their children and be an example of how to be kind to others when they hurt you. 

The third need is power. When this need isn't met or satisfied rebellion and controlling others becomes the mistaken approach. Rebellion allows a child to make their own choices and do whatever they want to, usually without consequences. Which is why the parental approach is letting your children have both choices and consequences. One of the best ways someone can learn is through the consequences of their own actions, but in order to have those consequences they need to make the choice, by themselves, first. An easy way to let your kids have power from an early age is to give them a choice between two shirts or two vegetables for lunch. This helps them feel in control of their situation. If they picked something out of their two choices and ended up not liking it, then they need to live with the consequences. 

The fourth need is withdrawal. What I mean by withdrawal is that everyone should be able to take a break and then get back at it when they're doing something they don't want to do. Otherwise all they'll do is avoid the situation, which is the mistaken approach for this need. Let's say for example, that I have a really hard assignment coming up. I'm nervous for it because it's worth a lot of points for my grade and I don't understand the topic of it. So instead of working on the assignment a little bit at a time, I simply avoid it. I'll do other homework or not do anything at all. But, the due date eventually comes and I either have to finally face the assignment or get a zero on it. The parental approach for this need that would greatly help my situation and many others is to take a break and then get back at it. If I would just start the assignment, work on it for an hour or two, take a break, then work on it some more, not only would I finish the assignment faster, but I would feel accomplished after completing it and I wouldn't have to worry about getting a zero or turning it in late. The same could be said for lots of challenges that people face. If a parent teaches their children to take a break when things get tough and then try again, they'll be able to gain greater confidence and know that they can do hard things. 

Speaking of challenges, that is our fifth need. When this need isn't being met undue risk taking is the mistaken approach. This could be shown in numerous types of ways, I'm sure we've all done something risky before because we liked the challenge of it. Some girls might date bad boys because they like the challenge of trying to fix or change them. Other kids might try dangerous stunts or do things that, when caught, they'll be in serious trouble. This calls for the parental response of opportunity skill building. Essentially this is allowing and encouraging the child to learn new skills. Think about a skill that you've had to learn, was it challenging at first? When I started sewing, I thought that some of the projects that I had to do were too hard. But at the same time, I loved learning about those difficult techniques because of the challenge that it was. The same could be said for learning how to play an instrument, learning how to cook or garden, any skill that you can think of helps eliminate undue risk taking.  

Here's a summarized version of everything in this post! 

1. Need: Contact and Belonging 
• Mistaken Approach: Undue Attention Seeking 
• Parental Response: Offer contact freely and teach contribution 
2. Need: Protection
• Mistaken Approach: Revenge
• Parental Response: Assertiveness and Forgiveness
3. Need: Power
• Mistaken Approach: Rebellion and Controlling Others
• Parental Response: Choices and Consequences 
4. Need: Withdrawal
• Mistaken Approach: Undue Avoidance
• Parental Response: Take a break then get back at it
5. Need: Challenge
• Mistaken Approach: Undue Risk Taking
• Parental Response: Opportunity skill building (learning new things)