Untying the Knot

If you hadn't guessed from the title of this blog, this week is about divorce. I'm going to touch on some of the reasons why couples get divorced, some of the guidelines that remarried couples (what I mean by this is when one or both spouses previously got divorced) can follow to have a strong start to the marriage, and I'm going to briefly mention some interesting statistics.

So, what are some reasons that couples might get a divorce?

1. Addictions
• Could be addicted to pornography or drugs- especially marijuana. Did you know that after partaking marijuana you might be "buzzed" for 2-6 hours, but you'll actually be impaired for 24 hours? This can cause lots of harm to a relationship if you're addicted to it and therefore aren't thinking straight for days or weeks at a time. 
2. Affairs
• Infidelity can cause serious damage to the relationship; there becomes a lack of trust that most people don't want to fix. 
3. Lack of Communication
• I've previously talked about how important communication is. If a couple isn't communicating, they aren't really one unit like they should be. 
4. Financial Problems
• Money can cause extreme stress, how a couple allocates their resources can seriously affect the marriage. 
5. Build up of Resentment 
• An example of this could be when a husband does something that offends his wife. The wife might be upset and expect him to apologize to her, but she never addresses the situation with him and he never apologizes. This could start some resentment. From that point on other things the husband does could bother her and the resentment will continue to build until she no longer wants to be married to him. 
6. Change of Mind about the Other Person 
• This could be seen as or related to "Stonewalling". In an article titled "Stonewalling: Is It Ruining Your Relationship?" it says "Stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or refuses to interact with another person". 
• Another common phrase that's used is "I fell out of love with them" or "I don't love them anymore". They changed their minds about their love for the other person. 

The 70% Stats

• 70% of divorcees say they regretted making the divorce and they should've/could've saved the marriage
• 70% of men get remarried in 2 years (after the divorce)
• 70% of couples in failing marriages report high satisfaction if they hang in for 5 years- time really does heal most things 

Guidelines 

These are some guidelines that remarried couples might follow to have a healthy successful marriage. 

1. Understand and accept that it will take AT LEAST 2 years until normalcy after marriage 
• It's easy to become discouraged when things don't work out immediately as you thought they would, but keep in mind that things become familiar after a cycle repeats. Give it time, let the cycle play out a few times so you can find your new normal. 
2. The birth parent should do the heavy discipline
• If the step parent tries to do the heavy discipline, it could cause multiple problems. The children might rebel or react negatively because they don't think this "new" person in their family should be in charge of them. Despite discussing discipline tactics, the birth parent might see how the step parent is disciplining and disagree with the methods being used.
3. The step-parent should be the equivalent of a fantastic and exception aunt or uncle
• This goes along with the previous guideline. Everyone has their favorite aunt or uncle, the one they can always go to when they need a friend or someone to talk to. A step parent can fill that role!
4. Counsel daily behind closed doors 
• When a couple counsels daily in private, they're able to discuss the problems that they and their family might be facing and find solutions to those problems. It gives them the time and space to work together, communicate, and problem solve. 

Needs, Mistaken Approaches, and Parental Response

This week I wanted to talk about parenting, specifically the needs that children have, their mistaken approach to receive that need, and the parents response. The way that these needs are handled have a serious affect on a child's life and how they respond to future situations. It's interesting to recognize how these needs have been met in my life, whether it be through my own mistaken approaches or from how my parents responded. 

The first need is contact and belonging. The importance of physical touch is something that is often overlooked, but never ever underestimate the power of it. Along with that, belonging to your family and feeling like you have a place and are a recognized valued member is also extremely important. When children aren't being given these needs they use the mistaken approach of undue attention seeking. Children will start to act wildly and do all sorts of crazy things just to get attention from the ones they love. They'll do this until their need is met; if there's plenty of water, people don't have to do crazy things to get that water. The parental response should be offering contact freely and teaching their children to contribute. Offering contact freely doesn't mean constantly hugging and touching your child, it could be a touch on the shoulder when you walk by them while they're at the dinner table, or putting your arm around them when you're sitting next to each other on the couch, it could even be jokingly bumping them with your elbow. The list could go on forever, but it goes to show that contact is good and it will satisfy a need for both the child and the parent. Teaching children to contribute is a lot easier than you think it might be, but it requires a significant amount of patience. In order to help kids feel like they belong, assign them a chore to do, even if the chore is pointless. It could be something as small and insignificant as putting a trash bag in the garbage can, it doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's helping the child contribute in someway. This truly will give them a sense of belonging in the family. 

The second need is protection. Every child should be protected and they should have their safe space. When this need isn't being met, the mistaken approach is revenge. The way that I see revenge is that it is a defense mechanism against being hurt or embarrassed. I think that it's one of the most natural ways to protect ourselves but it is also one of the most harmful ways to protect ourselves. Revenge is an easy cycle to get caught in. Once you inflict revenge upon someone, they'll get revenge on you, then you'll get revenge on them again, so on and so forth. The parental approach for the need of protection is teaching assertiveness and forgiveness. Assertiveness allows the child to be confident and know how to stand up for themselves while forgiveness helps them move on from things and not hold a grudge against someone else's actions. Assertiveness is easier to teach a child than forgiveness. A kid can only learn forgiveness when it's shown to them by others, which is why it's so important for parents to forgive their children and be an example of how to be kind to others when they hurt you. 

The third need is power. When this need isn't met or satisfied rebellion and controlling others becomes the mistaken approach. Rebellion allows a child to make their own choices and do whatever they want to, usually without consequences. Which is why the parental approach is letting your children have both choices and consequences. One of the best ways someone can learn is through the consequences of their own actions, but in order to have those consequences they need to make the choice, by themselves, first. An easy way to let your kids have power from an early age is to give them a choice between two shirts or two vegetables for lunch. This helps them feel in control of their situation. If they picked something out of their two choices and ended up not liking it, then they need to live with the consequences. 

The fourth need is withdrawal. What I mean by withdrawal is that everyone should be able to take a break and then get back at it when they're doing something they don't want to do. Otherwise all they'll do is avoid the situation, which is the mistaken approach for this need. Let's say for example, that I have a really hard assignment coming up. I'm nervous for it because it's worth a lot of points for my grade and I don't understand the topic of it. So instead of working on the assignment a little bit at a time, I simply avoid it. I'll do other homework or not do anything at all. But, the due date eventually comes and I either have to finally face the assignment or get a zero on it. The parental approach for this need that would greatly help my situation and many others is to take a break and then get back at it. If I would just start the assignment, work on it for an hour or two, take a break, then work on it some more, not only would I finish the assignment faster, but I would feel accomplished after completing it and I wouldn't have to worry about getting a zero or turning it in late. The same could be said for lots of challenges that people face. If a parent teaches their children to take a break when things get tough and then try again, they'll be able to gain greater confidence and know that they can do hard things. 

Speaking of challenges, that is our fifth need. When this need isn't being met undue risk taking is the mistaken approach. This could be shown in numerous types of ways, I'm sure we've all done something risky before because we liked the challenge of it. Some girls might date bad boys because they like the challenge of trying to fix or change them. Other kids might try dangerous stunts or do things that, when caught, they'll be in serious trouble. This calls for the parental response of opportunity skill building. Essentially this is allowing and encouraging the child to learn new skills. Think about a skill that you've had to learn, was it challenging at first? When I started sewing, I thought that some of the projects that I had to do were too hard. But at the same time, I loved learning about those difficult techniques because of the challenge that it was. The same could be said for learning how to play an instrument, learning how to cook or garden, any skill that you can think of helps eliminate undue risk taking.  

Here's a summarized version of everything in this post! 

1. Need: Contact and Belonging 
• Mistaken Approach: Undue Attention Seeking 
• Parental Response: Offer contact freely and teach contribution 
2. Need: Protection
• Mistaken Approach: Revenge
• Parental Response: Assertiveness and Forgiveness
3. Need: Power
• Mistaken Approach: Rebellion and Controlling Others
• Parental Response: Choices and Consequences 
4. Need: Withdrawal
• Mistaken Approach: Undue Avoidance
• Parental Response: Take a break then get back at it
5. Need: Challenge
• Mistaken Approach: Undue Risk Taking
• Parental Response: Opportunity skill building (learning new things) 

A Working Family

Most people think work in the family is pointless. You might think: "Why do housework together when I can get it done quicker by myself?" or "This is so boring, I could be doing so many better things right now." I thought the same thing when I was younger. But looking back I've realized that working together as a family is actually quite a beneficial thing that can strengthen a family and help them to grow closer together. 

One of the reasons it can be beneficial to do menial work together as a family is because it helps form a bond between the family members. You get to have one-on-one time with one another without distractions (ex. technology). My grandparents used to have a Pumpkin Patch and the summer before selling season, my mom, sisters, a few cousins, and aunts and uncles would go to the patch three times a week to weed the plants and move the water pipes. This was hard work at the time, especially during the heat of the day. I remember looking down the row of pumpkins and feeling like the work was impossible- especially because I wanted to get it done as fast and efficiently as possible. Once we'd start weeding though, we'd start talking. My grandma would tell stories and share beautiful life lessons that she'd learned. We would make jokes and laugh with each other. We communicated about the problems we had and would help one another when someone was struggling. I can honestly say that the days I spent at the Pumpkin Patch were some of the best, and it was all because of my family. The work stopped looking like work; it became something so much better. 

Another example of the benefits of family work can be shown from the weekly chores my family did. Saturday was a designated work day in my family. We would rotate jobs every week and the jobs included: cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning, sweeping, and mopping the kitchen, vacuuming, dusting, straightening the living room and basement, and during the summer, weeding the garden or helping with yardwork. We couldn't hang out with friends or play video games, or watch TV until all of the work was done in the house. Despite the simple tasks, it was difficult for me as a child. Saturday felt like my one day to relax and have fun, but I couldn't even do that. It wasn't until I recently looked back on the experiences I had from those Saturday chores that I realized how good it actually was. Sure, we were often grumpy while doing the work, we might not have been the nicest to each other, and there was lots of complaining. However, we were able to learn about responsibility, communication, compromise, and collaboration. And after all the work was done, we would almost always do some sort of activity together as a family.  It might be going out and seeing a movie, or going shopping, it could even just be having dinner outside on the patio. Whatever it was that we did, we always had a fun time and were able to bond even more during those activities. The combined effort in cleaning the house earlier in the day made it so we were able to have even more fun with whatever we did that afternoon because we had our obligations taken care of- and we took care of them together. 

So, despite the tedious, menial, boring, tasks that you have to complete throughout the day, maybe it's not such a bad idea to do it with the people you love. 

The "Five Secrets of Effective Communication"

This week is all about communication in the family- especially when there are disagreements. I wanted to focus specifically on David Burns "Five Secrets of Effective Communication" which I think is beneficial for every person to know and implement into their lives. 

1. Disarming Technique

The first secret to effective communication is the disarming technique. This is the most powerful out of all of the secrets. Essentially, the disarming technique is when you try to find some form of truth in what the other person is saying, even if what they're saying is unfair or unreasonable. Once you start looking for the nugget of truth it will change the way you react to the situation. I mean, think about it, if you start to see where the other person might be coming from in their side of the argument, it develops a level of understanding. Once you tell this person, "It's true that _____" or "You're right, _____", they too might start to find the truth in your own argument. 

2. Empathy

Empathy is the second secret. Empathy is trying to see the world through someone else's eyes; it's putting yourself in their shoes. There are two types of empathy that are specifically listed and they are thought empathy and feeling empathy. David Burns describes thought empathy as paraphrasing the other person's words. I see it as repeating back to the person what you understand about what they are saying. That way if you're misunderstanding something they can correct you. Feeling empathy is simply acknowledging how they might be feeling based on what they've said. This could be shown by saying, "You're probably feeling hurt and offended..." or "I didn't realize that ____ might make you feel scared". 

3. Inquiry 

The third secret to effective communication is inquiry. Inquiry is asking question to learn more about the other person's thoughts and feelings. It should be noted that these questions should be gentle and non-accusatory. Don't just ask "How does that make you feel?" because, in my opinion, that's extremely insensitive. You need to put in the focus and energy to try to decipher how the other person might be feeling and then ask a question based on that. The person will hopefully recognize your efforts and be more willing to talk to you and continue the conversation. 

4. "I feel" statements

The fourth secret is "I feel" statements. This secret is pretty self explanatory, it's stating what you think or feel. Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements will seem less like you're accusing them of something and more like you're trying to explain yourself and your side of the argument. So, instead of saying "You're making me angry" you could say "I feel upset because ____". 

5. Stroking

The last secret to effective communication is stroking. This one sounds weird, but it's also extremely important. Stroking is when you show that you respect or love the other person despite your anger or any other negative emotion. Saying something genuine or showing an act of love or kindness can help calm things down or simply just let the other person know that you truly care about them and are listening to them. It could be something along the lines of "I really appreciate that you _____" or "You really are a wonderful _____". 

Using these "Five Secrets of Effective Communication" can not only benefit your relationships between family members, but anyone you come in contact with. You can use these methods in the workplace with a coworker you don't get along with or you can use it when you get into an argument with one of your friends. Please remember that effective communication is one of the most important, vital parts of keeping a marriage and family strong. 

And if you want to learn more about this, check out David Burns' book "Feeling Good Together". 

Overcoming Family Crises

A crisis can be defined as "a time of intense difficulty, trouble, or danger". By no surprise, everyone faces multiple crises throughout their life. Not only can individuals go through a crisis, but families, together as one unit, face multiple crises as well. Sadly, some crises can break families and leave them with no hope of repair. However, it's not necessarily the crisis that breaks them, it's the way the family members react, respond, and think about the event. 

I want to introduce you all to the ABCX model that was developed by Reuben Hill. For this model A+B+C=X. You might be wondering what all these letters stand for: 

• A stands for Actual Event: This is the stressor event that happens. There are multiple types of stressor events-
• Internal (starts within the family, such as suicide)
• External (natural disasters)
• Normative (things expected over time in the family, such as marriage)
• Non-normative (unexpected, divorce or winning the lottery)
• Ambiguous (things are unclear)
• Non-ambiguous (the facts are very clear)
• Volitional (wanted events, such as college or pregnancy)
• Non-volitional (sudden, unwanted events, like losing a job)
• Chronic (long duration, such as addiction)
• Acute (Short duration, but extreme, also losing a job)
• Cumulative (lots of events happening simultaneously or one right after the other)
• Isolated (single event that happens during a period of time) 
• B stands for Both Resources and Response: A stressor event might happen when a family has numerous or limited resources. How these resources are used and how the family responds to the crisis is critical to the outcome after the crisis has occurred. Resources include-
• Money
• Extended family support 
• Friends 
• Religion
• Jobs 
• Job skills
• Education
• Emotional stability 
• Programs
• C stands for Cognition: This is how and what we think about the stressor event. The way the event is defined will determine the experience. 
• X stands for Total eXperience: This is the final outcome and ultimately where the family decides if the stressor event is a crisis or not. 

This model is extremely helpful and beneficial in identifying if a family struggled with (or is currently struggling with) a crisis. Because it shows the resources and how the family thought about the situation it's easier to see where certain problems were rooted in the family and what exactly steered them off course during their difficult time. 

This might seem like an unpopular opinion, but facing difficult things is actually beneficial. Think of the stressor events and crises you've faced in your life and how you overcame them. Hard things make us stronger and we are able to face the challenging times in our future because we were able to grow and learn from them in our past. Family stress can cause so many blessings; we often don't recognize the sacred outcomes of it. 

I would like to share a time my family underwent a crisis and the ways it strengthened us. 

It was finals week here at BYUI when I received the news that my Grandpa, who had liver cancer, had taken a turn for the worse and only had a few hours to live. I was devastated. I had such a wonderful relationship with my Grandfather and this news was so unexpected. I called my mom and she told me the details of the situation. She said that me and my sisters (who were up at BYUI with me) should stay in Rexburg and focus on our finals. She told me to go to class the rest of the day and to have my roommates give me a hug. I rushed to my apartment and immediately cried on the shoulders of my roommates who provided me with comfort, love, and support. After attending class, I went to my sisters' apartment where we waited for the bad news. We all desperately wanted to go home to be with our family, especially because all of our extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins) were gathered together at the hospital, but we wanted to obey our mom and we couldn't find a way to make it work with our final exams. My Grandpa passed later that evening. The week that followed was long and hard. The stress of finals and moving out of my apartment made me push my grief to the back burner. It wasn't until the viewing and the funeral that my emotions gushed out of me. My siblings and I seemed to struggle more at that time because we hadn't had the opportunity to spend time with family and bond and grieve with each other. But, my family was incredibly sympathetic and empathetic even though they themselves were still grieving. A cousin texted me and made sure to ask how I was doing while I was away from everyone and dealing with finals. An aunt put her arm around me the morning of the funeral and said she saw how much my sisters and I were struggling; she told me how her kids weren't able to be at the hospital either and how they struggled too. After the funeral, and throughout the weekend that followed, my family spent as much time together as possible. We went to dinner at my Grandpa's favorite burger place, we laughed together, we looked at old pictures of him, we talked and we loved one another. I personally have felt that we have become so much stronger as a family because of this crisis. 

Because of the resources we had (family members-aka each other- religion, church members, friends, emotional stability) and the response we had (effectively using our resources) we were able to think positively about the situation. Of course we were deeply saddened by what happened but we knew that he was in a better place and was no longer in pain. We also knew that we were going to be okay and that we were going to make it through this difficult time. In the end, the crisis wasn't really a crisis at all because of how we responded, used our resources, and controlled our thoughts about the situation. I will forever be grateful for the bond my family now has. 

Sexual Intimacy

Last week I talked about the adjustments and accommodations that newly married couples face. Now, if you hadn't guess by the title of this post, I want to talk about sexual intimacy. I should preface this post by saying that I believe that sex should wait until after marriage and that waiting until marriage has numerous benefits for the relationship.

Believe it or not, but sexual intimacy has a lot of challenges attached to it. All that's ever talked about is how amazing sex is, but no one ever mentions it's difficulties. These are the struggles that a couple can face with sex: 

• Misunderstandings: Women start to feel the desire or want for sex after she feels warm, safe, and close, with her partner. Men typically have sex so they can feel warm, safe, and close to their partner. This is where the misunderstanding can occur. The woman might feel frustrated because all the husband wants to do is have sex and the man might be offended because his wife wants nothing to do with him. It's important to keep communication clear and to make sure each person in the marriage is trying their best to understand one another.
• Timing: It's no secret that it doesn't take long for a man to become aroused or sexually excited, but a woman has to work her way up to that point. In fact, women typically have to make the decision to allow themselves to become aroused. It also takes a woman longer to reach a resolution after climaxing than it does a man. This can leave the wife feeling upset if her husband is rushing her in any way and it can be a common source for contention. 
• Anxiety: Being so extremely intimate with someone can cause lots of anxiety, for both people in the relationship. One of them might be worried about how their body looks, especially compared to the unrealistic body standards shown in the media. Another common reason for anxiety is that sex is new and unfamiliar territory, of course it's going to be scary. 
• Resentment and Frustration: Going back to misunderstanding, resentment and frustration can occur when the couple isn't communicating about their wants, needs, and struggles with their sexual intimacy. In my opinion, resentment is one of the worst things that can happen between a husband and wife if they want their marriage to last. 

But despite the challenges, there are plenty of positive things that a couple can benefit from their sexual intimacy. Here are the benefits of sex:

• Vulnerability 
• Some people might view this as a negative, but it's so important for husband and wife to be vulnerable with each other. They need that closeness in order to bond and become more connected. The more connected they are, the stronger their relationship is. 
• Protection from Infidelity
• Because sexual intimacy connects and strengthens a marriage, it helps protect that marriage from infidelity. One of the reasons infidelity can occur is because someone isn't satisfied with the marriage. All of these benefits of sex can help both people in the marriage feel pleased, connected, and happy with each other. No one's going to want to cheat or feel that sexual attraction to others when they're focused on and satisfied with their spouse. 
• Selflessness
• The experience of sex can change drastically when they are focusing on the person they're  being intimate with rather than thinking only about themselves and making themselves feel good. This in turn, again, strengths and connects the couple. 
• Communication
• If you go back and look at the list challenges, you'll notice that almost all of them can be mended or fixed with communication. Communication needs to be happening for sexual intimacy to be a positive experience. Having to communicate about sex will allow growth between the couple and will allow them to become better at communicating about other things and issues they might face.  
• Children 
• Sex allows children to be created and children are such blessings to a marriage! They have their own list of challenges but they too can help strengthen and connect a husband and wife. 

If you haven't noticed, all of these things  lead back to two main benefits: connect and strengthen. We should make sure that we aren't treating sex so casually. Focus on strengthening and connecting you and your spouse through sexual intimacy. 

Tying the Knot

This week I wanted to talk about marriage- the challenges newly married couples might have, different things that can affect their marriage, and precautions they can take during their engagement period to have a successful marriage. 

One thing that I've noticed with engaged couples is that they plan a wedding, not a marriage. When a couple gets engaged, they shouldn't just focus on the wedding their going to have, but the marriage they're going to have after the wedding! Both people are going to have to make adjustments and accommodations to make a relationship that will work for the rest of their lives. Here are some those adjustments and accommodations:

• Sharing everything!
• After getting married, everything should be shared between the couple. These are the most important things:
• Time. Sacrifice is inevitable in a relationship, especially the sacrifice of time. For the most part, married couples are on a shared schedule. One person might have to sacrifice some of their time to accommodate an activity or event their spouse has to go to. 
• Responsibilities. One person in the relationship can't carry the weight of all the responsibilities. Just because the husband is working and the wife stays at home (or vice versa) doesn't mean they are strictly confined to those responsibilities. They should be able to clean up after themselves instead of one person doing all of the cleaning, or if the person who stays at home had a bad day, the other person should be willing to cook dinner that night. There's also the shared responsibility of keeping each other accountable and honest. 
• Plans. This one is basically the same as time. Dates still need to be happening, and for the most part, where one spouse goes the other should follow. 
• Finances. I cannot stress this enough! Married couples NEED to share finances and they NEED to communicate about the things that they are buying. Having your own separate bank accounts could lead to problems in the marriage because it leaves room for dishonesty and a lack of trust.  
• Becoming their own family unit. 
• The boundaries set during a couple's engagement can heavily influence and impact the new "family unit". The families which each person in the relationship originated from should no longer be the family they give their time and attention to. I'll talk more about the impact of setting boundaries later in this post. 
• The basic stuff 
• Then there are the obvious adjustments: Sharing a bed, potentially moving to another city or state, when and what you like to eat, deciding if you're going to bed together (at the same time) or separately (different times), etc... 

So what can engaged couples do to prepare themselves for married life together? Here's what I think:

• Have serious discussions about what each person expects and wants from the marriage. This includes talking about sexual intimacy, when you're going to start having children, who's going to take certain responsibilities (like cooking dinner or cleaning the house), and how each others careers might impact the relationship. 
• Start setting boundaries around your relationship. A marriage can't thrive and survive if it's constantly being intruded upon by other family members and friends. You should each be the person you go to talk about your problems, especially the problems that might be happening in your marriage. The husband shouldn't turn to his buddies or his mom, just like the wife shouldn't turn to her friends or parents. There are certain things that your friends and family shouldn't be a part of, and that's the intimate, personal parts of your relationship. With that being said, if there are serious problems between the husband and wife, I would recommend seeing a marriage therapist, that way family members and friends won't have to get involved. 
• If the time and resources are available, take classes or read books about how to have a successful marriage and start working on the skills that can benefit the relationship.