The "Five Secrets of Effective Communication"

This week is all about communication in the family- especially when there are disagreements. I wanted to focus specifically on David Burns "Five Secrets of Effective Communication" which I think is beneficial for every person to know and implement into their lives. 

1. Disarming Technique

The first secret to effective communication is the disarming technique. This is the most powerful out of all of the secrets. Essentially, the disarming technique is when you try to find some form of truth in what the other person is saying, even if what they're saying is unfair or unreasonable. Once you start looking for the nugget of truth it will change the way you react to the situation. I mean, think about it, if you start to see where the other person might be coming from in their side of the argument, it develops a level of understanding. Once you tell this person, "It's true that _____" or "You're right, _____", they too might start to find the truth in your own argument. 

2. Empathy

Empathy is the second secret. Empathy is trying to see the world through someone else's eyes; it's putting yourself in their shoes. There are two types of empathy that are specifically listed and they are thought empathy and feeling empathy. David Burns describes thought empathy as paraphrasing the other person's words. I see it as repeating back to the person what you understand about what they are saying. That way if you're misunderstanding something they can correct you. Feeling empathy is simply acknowledging how they might be feeling based on what they've said. This could be shown by saying, "You're probably feeling hurt and offended..." or "I didn't realize that ____ might make you feel scared". 

3. Inquiry 

The third secret to effective communication is inquiry. Inquiry is asking question to learn more about the other person's thoughts and feelings. It should be noted that these questions should be gentle and non-accusatory. Don't just ask "How does that make you feel?" because, in my opinion, that's extremely insensitive. You need to put in the focus and energy to try to decipher how the other person might be feeling and then ask a question based on that. The person will hopefully recognize your efforts and be more willing to talk to you and continue the conversation. 

4. "I feel" statements

The fourth secret is "I feel" statements. This secret is pretty self explanatory, it's stating what you think or feel. Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements will seem less like you're accusing them of something and more like you're trying to explain yourself and your side of the argument. So, instead of saying "You're making me angry" you could say "I feel upset because ____". 

5. Stroking

The last secret to effective communication is stroking. This one sounds weird, but it's also extremely important. Stroking is when you show that you respect or love the other person despite your anger or any other negative emotion. Saying something genuine or showing an act of love or kindness can help calm things down or simply just let the other person know that you truly care about them and are listening to them. It could be something along the lines of "I really appreciate that you _____" or "You really are a wonderful _____". 

Using these "Five Secrets of Effective Communication" can not only benefit your relationships between family members, but anyone you come in contact with. You can use these methods in the workplace with a coworker you don't get along with or you can use it when you get into an argument with one of your friends. Please remember that effective communication is one of the most important, vital parts of keeping a marriage and family strong. 

And if you want to learn more about this, check out David Burns' book "Feeling Good Together".