DATE: The Worst 4 Letter Word?

What emotion comes to mind when someone asks you out on a date? Is it panic- trying to figure out how to reject them in a nice way? Excitement- the person you've had a crush on finally wants to go out with you? Or maybe dread- you think dating is too formal and you'd rather hang out? Well, whatever emotion it is your feeling, "date" really can seem like a four letter word. People my age are starting to care less about dating, and more about hanging out. You might agree that hanging out is better than going on dates, it's easier, more relaxed, less expensive. But hanging out can actually be extremely destructive to a romantic relationship. First though, lets talk about what a date needs in order to be constituted as a date. 

A date needs the 3 P's: 

• Paired off: This means that even in a group date setting, everyone has their own specific person that they are supposed to be focused on. If a stranger saw a group of people on a date, they would be able to clearly identify who was with who. This is different than hanging out, where people can intermix and it doesn't matter who they sit next to or give their attention to. 
• Planned: The biggest difference, to me at least, between hanging out and going on a date, is the planning involved in both. Almost every time that I've hung out with someone, we don't know what we're going to be doing. We might have an idea, but nothing is set in stone. A date needs to be thought out and have a plan of action. When a date is planned, it shows the person you're taking out on the date that you care and are willing to sacrifice time for them. 
• Paid for: If you're going on a date, don't go "Dutch." I personally think that whoever is the instigator of the date should be the one to pay if any expenses arise. But I also think it's not bad if the date wants to chip in, like one person buys the movie tickets and the other buys the popcorn. 

The reason dating is so important is because these "3 P's" show that a person- typically a male (but hey females can ask guys out on dates too!)- can protect, preside, and provide. If you've been reading my previous blog posts, you'll know that protecting, presiding, and providing are essential roles for a father and husbands and they're qualities that every woman should be looking for in a future spouse. Hanging out with a potential spouse, rather than going on consistent dates with them starts establishing patterns that will last for a long time; how a couple acts before marriage will determine and influence how their marriage will turn out. If a couple only went on a few official dates before they tied the knot, do you think they're going to go on any more dates after they're married? Whereas, couples who consistently went on dates before they got married are more likely to continue to go on dates and stay close to each other. Also, if a husband and wife start having marital problems, they might be more willing to stay with each other and try to work things out when they can recall their numerous past dates and remember how caring, selfless, and loving they can be towards one another. 

"Date" really isn't a bad word, we just need to remember all of the beautiful, wonderful, good things that can come out of it.

Gender Tendencies

This week I wanted to talk about the characteristics that males and females have that benefit them when they are parents and spouses; both genders can add such wonderful things to their families! It should be noted however, that tendencies are spread throughout both genders. Not every person holds the stereotypes of their genders, which is a good thing! Women should be able to do masculine things and men should be able to do feminine things. In fact, I think it's important that each gender learns things from their opposite gender because it makes them a more well-rounded person. With that being said, I believe that either genders can hold any of the traits that I will be listing, but they are more prevalent and common for the gender they are listed under. It is not my intention if this post offends anyone in any way. 

Ladies First

Being a nurturer is something that seems to come naturally to women. Whether it's taking care of children, pets, and even other adults, females always seem to know what to do to take care of those around them. Here are some of the traits and tendencies that help a women to be nurturing: 

• Communicative: They know how to communicate with others both inside and outside of their family. 
• Caregiving: Like I stated earlier, women just know how to take care of those around them. 
• Emotionally expressive: Most women are more likely to wear their heart on their sleeve and share their emotions with others.
• Verbally expressive: In order to be emotionally expressive, they also need to be verbally expressive. This goes right along with being able to communicate with others; it is so so important! 
• Detail oriented: It really is the little things that matter most sometimes. Not only are women more likely to be detail oriented with projects and objects, but with people as well. I have known a fair share of women who have been able to recognize when I'm struggling or feeling sad because they've paid attention to the details in my body language and demeanor. This trait is kind of like a super power! 
• People oriented: Females are more open to cooperative play when they are children. You'll find little girls socializing, playing, and sharing with other kids. This tendency continues with them as they grow into adulthood. 
• Relationship focus: Women focus more on the relationships between two or more different people or objects. There was a study done where both genders were told to wait in a room for a certain amount of time. After the time was up they were asked to name as many objects in the room as possible. The women always named more correct objects because they memorized the objects in relation to one another. Men are more likely to see things as singular rather than in relation to something else. 
• Here's where you can watch the study: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLptT1u8LWI

Now the Gentlemen 

While being a nurturer comes naturally to women, most men naturally want (and need) to provide for, preside over, and protect their families. These are the traits and tendencies that they possess that help them achieve those three goals:

• Spatial awareness/orientation: The same network that did the study talking about women and relationship focus, did a study about spatial awareness. College students of both genders were blindfolded and led through some underground hallways around their campus. After walking around blindfolded for a few minutes, the instructor of the study asked the student where a certain building was located. The men were able to correctly locate the building more than the women were able to.
• You can also watch this video with the link listed earlier.
• Independence: Men are less likely to ask for help and they enjoy doing things on their own.
• Action/Rough and Tumble play: Males are more into rough housing and action play when they are children.
• Object focus: Boys are more likely to focus on the object they are playing with, whereas girls are more focused on playing with others.
• Competitive: Men are more competitive, especially when they are children and teenagers. Being competitive, while it might have it's negative repercussions, could be seen as a positive tendency because it gives them the drive and motivation to become better versions of themselves.

Culture and Tradition: Which Aspects of Each Should We Encourage or Perpetuate?

Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines culture as "The integrated pattern of human knowledge, belief, and behavior that depends upon the capacity for learning and transmitting knowledge to succeeding generations." So, with that in mind, how can one carefully choose the aspects of one's culture to keep, and how do we perpetuate those into coming generations? Times are changing, society is changing, families are changing, almost everything is different today than it was hundreds of years ago. Because cultures are typically passed down from generation to generation in a society, the things they started doing in the past are not going to be relevant, impactful, or beneficial to the people in the present. Change in inevitable- and often needed- in order to grow and develop, and families might have to do things different than their ancestors to achieve that growth; it shouldn't be looked down upon. If parents can carefully examine their cultures- the negatives and positives about it- and in what ways it has influenced them, then they can make decisions about wanting to continue certain aspects of those cultures or perpetuating other aspects of it. I've noticed that when it comes to perpetuating parts of culture within a family, the parents are doing it for the benefit of the children, which is so important! I believe that a person is influenced more by the experiences they've had instead of where they're from. If a family can block our and remove negative culture behavior, they all will be able to have better experiences that will better influence them. 

The same can be said for traditions. This is how Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines tradition: "An inherited, established, or customary pattern of though, action, or behavior (such as a religious practice or social custom)." Tradition and culture are very similar to each other. The biggest difference between the two is tradition is more family based, where culture is more society based and tradition doesn't have to start so far back in the past like culture does (an immediate family could start and establish their own traditions). Both can have significant influences on an individual person or family group though. The question about which aspects of culture should be kept or perpetuated, can be asked about traditions as well: which traditions encourage the best in families and individuals, and which might be best discarded? Some traditions that my family has (or had when I was growing up) includes eating dinner together every night, visiting family members on Sunday's, having specific activities around certain holidays, reading the scriptures and praying together every night, and lots of other things that include spending time with one another. These traditions truly encouraged me and my family members to be our best and grow closer together. I can confidently say that I have such a good relationship with my parents and siblings because of these traditions. Something that's really cool about some of my family traditions, is that my parents had those traditions when they were growing up. They were able to see the positive impact of them and they decided together which ones would help us kids to grow closer together and become a stronger family. Although I've had such positive experiences with the traditions in my family, there are often traditions that could be seen as unnecessary and unbeneficial. These traditions, obviously, are the ones that should be discarded. I would say, if you can't find a specific reason why a tradition is being practiced, it should be discarded or perhaps modified so it can have a more positive influential reason for existing. It ultimately is up to each individual family to decide which traditions encourage the best in the family and individuals of the family and which traditions are best discarded. 

Family Boundaries and Rules

This week I've been thinking a lot about family boundaries and family rules and I wanted to share what I've learned about what they are and how they can influence someone's life.

Boundaries

Family types are based on the boundaries that surround a family. These boundaries include: closed, open, and clear. Each of these boundaries help shape and mold the family and can have a negative or positive influence on a child. Each of these boundaries could be described by or related to a certain kind of fence:

• A closed boundary is a cinder block wall with barbed wire surrounding the home. It is unwelcoming and unapproachable. The family is most likely enmeshed- or overly involved with one another, privacy is valued too much, external influences aren’t allowed, and the members of the family aren’t allowed to have their own identities. It’s easy to see how this might affect the children in the home; having friends might be looked down upon, they won't have their own opinions about things, they’ll miss out on learning about the world, and they aren't really given any freedom.
• An open boundary is simply not having a fence at all. The yard is available for anyone to walk across and the home always has an open door for visitors to come inside whenever they want. People, both inside and outside of the family, have too much freedom because there aren’t any rules in the home. The family members are often disengaged and run into social problems. Not only will the children in this type of family have emotional and social issues, but there will be a lack of security in the place they should feel safest.
• A clear boundary is a white picket fence, with a gate that can be locked and unlocked, with a path that leads to the front door of the home. This boundary is welcoming, while still allowing the family the privacy they need. The family knows what needs to be shared with others and what doesn’t and there is a correct balance of structure and flexibility in the family. The home is filled with love and respect and having interactions with other people is permitted and encouraged. The children are able to grow up in a positive environment where they can have a safe place to return to at the end of the day, and where they can feel loved and protected (but not sheltered) by their parents.

Family Rules 

Typically every family has their own set of rules (unless it's an open family, in which they don't have any rules). Family rules can have a significant impact on a child and can influence the rules they set when they have their own families. Some rules can be clearly stated or they can be unspoken, but every rule is learned through feedback. Here are a few of the rules my family had when I was growing up:

• Whoever is driving gets to pick the music, unless Dad was in the car.
• Whoever was oldest gets the front seat in the car.
• Everyone should help clean up dinner. 
• Sunday is a family day.
• Everyone should participate in cleaning the house every Saturday. 

This list could go on forever. As much as I hated some of the rules my family had, I'm grateful for them because they allowed me to learn how to be obedient and respectful and I was given the perfect amount of structure and flexibility. As I grew older, I also learned how to communicate with my parents about some of the rules I didn't agree with- for example, curfew- and I learned how to compromise or simply take "no" for an answer. After moving away from home, I've noticed that some of the things I do are still tied to the rules I had to follow while growing up. It will be interesting to see which rules I'll use or change after I have a family of my own.